Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
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If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
beware of dog
Not recommended for beginners.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
is this meant to deter me
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495