Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
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A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
#oldknees
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Think I pulled my liver
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.