if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
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Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer