I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
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new wife guy just dropped
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much