[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
When I said I liked it rough.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Worth the read.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”