ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
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If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem