Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
You Might Also Like
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.