INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
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Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Tell me you get it…🤣
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question