Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
You Might Also Like
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
How actors in movies eat their food
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Lassie, get help!
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what