Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
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12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
this is so top tier i cant
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”