Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
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Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
*jingles half the way*
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me