I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
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They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.