[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
You Might Also Like
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Festive toon…
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Monday?
No. Next question.