I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
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I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse