The opposite of goth is stopth.
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I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one