My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
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spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me