It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
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i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Breaking news:
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit