My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
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Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place