If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
You Might Also Like
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
*pokes sex life with a stick
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I need this for my side hustle.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks