You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
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Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Okey dokey.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
the clam before the storm
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )