NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
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my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?