Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
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Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Me irl
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.