The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
You Might Also Like
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month