Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
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Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*