Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
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Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it