in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
You Might Also Like
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner