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my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Nothing.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Breaking news:
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.