I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
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ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this