I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
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How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Me too
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”