IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
You Might Also Like
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Autocorrect completely socks
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Lol #dogsoftwitter
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews