My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
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it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
#Caturday
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”