If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
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we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.