Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
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“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying