You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
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Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Strangers have the best candy.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”