*aggressively skips to my Lou*
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I think we should hear other voices.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.