getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
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Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?