When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
You Might Also Like
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Looking at you, Jesus.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.