To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
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Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe