Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
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Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.