peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
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My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person