Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
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my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.