Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
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Goat cheese is for herders.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
5 ways to appear taller
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Terribly Tuesday.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.