I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
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Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him