It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
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[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.