He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
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HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
i will not be silenced
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food