[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
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A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
So that’s what we looked like?
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit