BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
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I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.