[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
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Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
The Compass
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*