For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
You Might Also Like
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Yes, but it was never about money
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Dammit Chief not again
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations