No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
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My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.